You Are Who You Know

16 May

Pieces

I heard this a lot during college when I was supposed to be “networking” with alumni, professors and anyone else with a pulse. I kept being told that I wouldn’t find a job unless I knew someone, and I don’t necessarily think that’s true (or maybe I don’t want to believe it’s true), but we can save that for a later discussion. However, the fact remains the same—you are who you know.

I believe that I am a little piece of everyone I’ve encountered throughout my life. I am compiled of pieces of what I’ve learned from my family, my teachers, my friends and even people who I’ve only known for a brief period of time. They are apart of me and I, in turn, am apart of them. And all of those pieces, big and small, while they may have originated from someone else, uniquely make up who I am. We’re all beautifully connected in that sense. Of course there are certainly pieces we all wish we didn’t have—hurt, heartbreak, grief, bitterness, prejudice—but without them we wouldn’t be our true selves.

The best thing about it is that the pieces are unlimited and unpredictable. We have no idea who could walk into our lives tomorrow, and we don’t know what the people in our lives will teach us today. I think that’s part of why we are constantly changing, and how we are all complete and incomplete at the same time.

“I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and they help us in return… So much of me is made of what I learned from you, and you’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart.” –Wicked: For Good

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When In Doubt, Doubt Some More

12 May

 

It seems that a lot of times people make the mistake of turning their backs on something important to them because they’re not sure how they’re feeling or where it’s going. But when you care about something, even if you’re having doubts, you should care enough to give it the time it deserves and to question it all to find the answers you need. Sure, the easier path is to walk away, but then you’ll never really know what could have been. Here are a few examples…

During my freshman year of college I had the hardest time finding my place at Cabrini College. I didn’t feel like I belonged there and I was afraid I made the wrong decision. I started filling out applications to transfer to a different school for the following year, and just as I did I began to see that Cabrini was, in fact, the perfect match for me. I don’t regret that year of doubting my decision because it made me appreciate all that it had to offer and I graduated feeling like I was leaving my second home.

Faith is something that most people doubt at least once in their lives. As a Catholic, I’ve gone through many periods of doubt in my religious beliefs, and still do. As with all things, faith doesn’t grow on it’s own. Most people aren’t able to accept everything blindly and it’s in the times of questioning when we discover what we truly believe.

As previously stated in my last post, I am a relationship person. The points in which I have doubted the other person or intention of it, have been moments of greatest clarity and most times have strengthened my belief in that relationship. I think sometimes people run away scared if they aren’t 100% certain about someone. But what are any of us 100% certain about 100% of the time in life?

People doubt their abilities every day. We are unsure if we will be good parents, spouses, employees, etc. But the more we doubt, the more we prove ourselves wrong.

Our doubt comes from fear, but fear isn’t always a terrible thing. I think the older we get the more scared we are to make a mistake because the risk is higher, but maybe the greater mistake is not doing something productive with that fear. It’s a powerful emotion that makes us think twice, but maybe that’s what we need. If you’re not questioning why you’re doing something, how could you ever be sure about it?

It’s been my experience that the things I’ve doubted the most in my life have turned out to be the most meaningful. And I know the things I’ve been most scared of have deep down been what I’ve wanted the most. If you care about something or love someone enough, doubt. Challenge every aspect, push it the furthest you possibly can, and when you’ve answered all of your questions then decide.

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Chronic Girlfriend Syndrome

7 May

textLast Friday night I tried giving a random stranger at the bar dating advice, until I realized that I’ve never dated in my life, not casually at least. As of today, since age 15 I have been single for a total of 8 months and 12 days. I have what they might call “Chronic Girlfriend Syndrome (CGS)” and it’s beginning to become a major problem.

I have always, always, always been a relationship person—feel free to judge me, it’s ok. Relationships are my comfort zone and I’m good at them, but I freaking suck at dating. Clearly I missed dating 101 in college and I’m not sure who is offering that course anymore. I’ve been on ONE date that didn’t turn into a relationship and that ended in hearing too many details about the Jewish tradition of circumcision. For most of my adult life I have shooed boys away if they came up to me at the bar, I wore an “F*** you” sign on my forehead, or said something crazy enough for them to run away.

When my last boyfriend and I started dating, before we “defined the relationship,” I found myself wondering if he was ok after not hearing from him all day, texting him when I heard there was a fire in his department, and ended up trying to make plans for the following weekend when I should have been playing it cool. But that’s the only way I knew how to act, which is when I explained to him that I have CGS.

So what’s a girl to do? I’m not saying that boys are chasing me left and right, but when one finally does come along I’m at a loss for how to act. I turn into a middle-school girl standing awkwardly not knowing what to do with my hands, thinking of anything to say which eventually comes out as the weirdest comment, and I’m hopelessly searching for my friends to come bail me out or spice up the conversation because I feel so irrationally uncomfortable.

If by some miracle he decides he enjoys my company enough that he wants my number, then we’re really in trouble. How much is too much to text? Am I leading him on? Does he seriously care about my day? Where are we going on a date? Should I let him pick me up? What did he look like again? How can I casually ask for his last name? Should I friend him on Facebook? What am I going to wear? I could go on and on. It’s a never-ending internal dialogue and then I need a serious grown up nap because it’s exhausting.

As far as I’m aware there is no proven treatment for CGS. If they’re looking for a cure, though, I’d be happy to be apart of the study. I don’t think I can change who I am and I don’t know if that’s what I want anyway because CGS can come in handy when I’m actually a G. I just need to get out of my head, remember that I can let a guy buy me a drink even if they’re not my future husband, and for goodness sake go with the flow! The best thing I can think of is to stop analyzing and, of course, follow my heart—that’s what I do best anyway.

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Control Freak

5 May

Lately I’ve been pushing myself to go to the gym more, something I never cared all that much about. I’ve also been redecorating and rearranging my bedroom, wanting to purchase a new computer and make plans for every day and weekend from now until the end of the summer. Let’s take a step back and see what’s really going on here…

I want control. I can’t use my creative energy in a relationship right now because I’m not in one. I’m out of school so I can’t stress about homework and project deadlines. I don’t have a clue where my career path will lead so I’m not working to meet any long-term goals. So what do I do instead? I try to control every aspect of my life in which I’m able. I know that a lot of that has to do with my personality, but think about it. So much in life is uncertain and very much out of our control right now—and always—so we obsess on things that we think can be controlled. Maybe it’s similar to what a mid-life crisis is like, or in this case a quarter-life crisis.

So this is what I do: I work out. Not so I can be the hottest babe on the beach, but because my body is one thing I can monitor. I freaked out when Gmail introduced the new “compose message” feature. I complained about it for an entire day until I found a way to revert back to the old way (temporarily). I get caught up in the details of planning happy hours and birthdays because I need to have some say in what is coming up next. I drive my car certain places instead of carpooling because I want to decide the speed I go, the roads I take, the music on the radio and when I can leave that place.

I know I can’t possibly control everything, but it makes me feel like I have some say and power in my life. It’s probably not the healthiest thing to do and I know I just need to trust that things will work out, but this is working for me right now so I’ll continue to go with it.

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Keep the Change

30 Apr

changeI keep getting this overwhelming feeling that change is constant—at least for everyone else. Each week it seems that someone else is having a baby, another friend is moving in with her boyfriend or my Facebook pops up with five engagement announcements. When does it end? Or rather, when are these changes going to come for me?

I know how selfish that sounds. Trust me, I am happy for my friends and family who deserve to be so fortunate, but sometimes I feel like I just can’t compete. I show up to a family party or meet up with old friends and the dreaded “What’s new” question arrives and I’m left with nothing to say. I went to a festival with my friend yesterday, the same festival we spontaneously went to this time last year. We were super excited to head back to the small town on a beautiful day, only to realize than an entire year had passed and nothing in our lives had changed; we felt the exact same. A whole year and nothing to show for it—how terrifying.

Of course tons of things have changed in my family, at work, with my friendships, and I have seen and done a lot in the last twelve months, but all of a sudden it feels like BIG changes are happening for other people and I’m falling behind. So I began thinking about how I’ve changed as a person in the past year because I know that I can’t possibly be the same. I’m certainly more independent, more willing and able to speak about my feelings, I am happier, have more self control, take better care of myself, upgraded to an iPhone (finally), etc. Even if I don’t have a physical representation of my changes—a ring, a house, a bump on my belly—I am constantly changing just like everyone else.

The funny thing about this new desire for change is that I’ve never been a huge fan of adjustments, but the changes seemed so exciting for everyone else that I thought I wanted that too. What I’ve realized, though, is that I’m sick and tired of change. What I actually want is something steady in my life—something I can hold onto and rely on when everything else sucks, whether it be a boyfriend, a career or a hobby. Isn’t that what we all want—something stable? What I’m trying to say is that change is a means to an end. I must embrace the changes—good and bad—because eventually the inevitable, and sometimes dreaded, changes will bring along my constant.

I have a lot more to say about change, but this is a blog, not a book, so more to come on this later.

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Lost & Found

25 Apr

mapI often find myself asking where I am going and how I can get there. Those are two pretty tough questions, especially for someone as directionally challenged as me. I have lived in the same city my entire life. I knew how to get around well enough, but didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 20—by choice. Driving was a whole new ball game. After college I moved to Massachusetts for a year and, boy, did I get LOST. I didn’t have a GPS or smartphone or know anyone in the area to call for directions. I was on my own—desperate to find my way.

My entire life people were pointing me in the right direction—or at least guiding me to where they thought I should be—and I took it for granted. That year my roommate and I got lost for hours on end driving to and from Boston. Luckily, we survived, and we knew we would because we had each other and we had faith that eventually we’d get to where we needed to be even if we weren’t on time. Before then I would have had a panic attack if I didn’t have a clue where I was or how to get to my destination. But I learned that the journey is often times the best part. Even though I missed that sense of security knowing that I could lean on others to help make decisions for me, or blame someone else if I made a mistake, there is something so frustrating yet incredibly rewarding about being forced to find your own way.

The funny thing about finding your way is that there is no right or wrong way to get anywhere, despite what GoogleMaps or society tries to tell us. Sure, there are more direct routes but they are usually overrated anyway. Even if we took the direct route, a lot of times we can’t avoid or predict accidents and detours. And I’m not as scared to be lost anymore—although sometimes I’ll still stop to ask for directions—because I know I’ll always be found. It can be fun! Focus on your surroundings; live in the present if only for that moment. Take a back road, take a chance, and be lost for a little while. Who knows? You might find yourself in a wonderful place you never expected to be.

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Life’s Rough; Get a Helmet

23 Apr

Growing up people constantly stressed the drastic changes from grade school to high school, then the difficult transition from high school to college. Even throughout college people would emphasize the importance of getting a job and how certain things like schedule changes and financial responsibilities would be tough. But what about everything else?! Sure, being employed is extremely important, especially in the midst of an economic crisis, but why didn’t anyone warn us about how our relationships would change, how our sense of belonging to a safe community would disappear, or how to deal with the fact that you’re graduating with an expensive degree and still have no clue what you want to do with it?

No one prepares you fully for that and I think it’s safe to say, although possibly a dramatic statement, that being in your 20s is HARD. In almost every other stage of life, the majority of your peers are dealing with the same issues, but this one is kind of a free for all. While this can be liberating, more changes occur than you could have predicted and there is no defined way to deal with them. Personally I think it could be the toughest transition of all because you’re transitioning into the rest of your life, and being financially stable is only one step in the process. And believe me, it’s stressful! There is a lot of pressure to get your shit together (for lack of a better phrase) and I think it pushes people into jobs and relationships they don’t necessarily want to be in, or know how to be in. No one is holding your hand the way they used to, telling you it’s ok if you don’t know what you want to do, and if they are saying that, they are probably thinking the opposite.

So maybe you’re 18 and laughing, thinking you’ll have it all together at 25. Maybe you’re 35 remembering this time of your life. Or maybe, just maybe, you’re in your 20s and feeling the same way I am. I don’t have all of the answers; in fact, I have a lot of questions, but I’m trying to figure it out, which is why I created this blog. The reality is that there is a lot to figure out as “young” “adults” (not sure which requires quotations more) and we all just want to feel a sense of balance in our lives so we can finally feel content with where we’ve landed during this, as Taylor Swift would say, “happy, free, confused, and lonely” time of our lives. I truly believe that these can be the most wonderful years because there are endless possibilities, but I think there’s a lot to be said about discovering yourself during this unique phase and challenging ourselves to dig deeper in every aspect of our lives.

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